To whom it may concern:
I am writing to tell you that someone is out there making a cookie posing as Oreos, Birthday Cake Oreos, specifically, and ruining your reputation. These things are horrible, and they are coming in a package that, aside from a picture of rainbow-sprinkled Oreo (R) cookies, looks exactly like Nabisco brand Oreo (R) cookies. Nothing on the package says otherwise. The imposters are using the 100 year anniversary of Oreos to bring the legendary chocolate sandwich cookie down.
Here’s the 411:
I received a 10-ounce package of Birthday Cake Oreo (R) cookies for my birthday. That night after dinner, I poured myself a tall glass of milk — something I hadn’t done in years, a lot of years — and anxiously peeled open the end of the Oreo (R) cookies package. Upon sliding out the sleeve of Oreos in their neat rows, I noticed the colored sprinkles in the creme filling and thought, “What a great idea!” I selected my first cookie (because indeed there would be a second, a third, and likely a fourth – it was my birthday after all) and happily dunked it in my milk just like the commercials from my childhood taught me. I sunk my teeth into the soggy sandwich and… “What the hell?! This is not an Oreo! What is this madness?” I took another bite and I verified the fraud: artificially-flavored, vanilla icing masked as delicious Oreo (R)creme filling! This is the worst birthday ever!
The Nabisco people I know would never do such a thing! Not without labeling the package with such information to warn buyers that they are NOT getting the famously delicious and addictive Oreo (R) creme filling riddled with colored sprinkles, but some knock-off brand, artificially flavored, vanilla icing flecked with sprinkles trying to take your mind off the fact that you’re NOT eating an original Oreo (R) cookie! Gasp!
You cannot imagine my disappointment that night. I was left with a full, tall glass of cold milk and no palatable, dunkable cookie to knock it back with. Oreo (R) would never do such a thing! Nabisco, get after this… before your good name is sullied forever. I, for one, am now suspect of every Oreo (R) package. What kind of crap creme filling am I going to find next?
If I want artificially-flavored, generic vanilla frosting in my cookies, I know how to make that myself. It’s called the baking aisle and a box of honey grahams.
Please take care of this.
Signed,The Birthday Girl and her tall glass of milk without her favorite cookie 😦
Totally Living 
Dear Birthday Girl,
We here at Nabisco (R) would like to apologize for your unfortunate experience with a possible counter fit Oreo (R) cookie! Sounds like the folks over at Tootsie Roll Industries are up to their old tricks!
After a thorough investigation which involved limitless hours of painstaking research by Bertha, Betty, Mac & Nisa, a Blondie- blow up -birthday- girl- doll named Helga, a mock kitchen trial complete with evening lighting, a rose candle burning, unfolded laundry nearby & a special dedicated high priority resolution status by our “Team Nabisco Double Stuff or Nothing” specialist your complaint was investigated. No stone was left unturned & we added extra MANNpower & top MANNagement to oversee all of it!
We narrowed it down to one of two options. Our competitor as already mentioned is to blame or the possibility does exist that your supplier gifted you with the “39 & Holding” Birthday Cookie. In this event, the cookies assembled for our 39 – 51 age group are in fact processed differently & follow the FDA -DNA- CIA recipe to reduce high cholesterol & hardening of the arteries risk. Some of our “older” consumers have complained about “artificial” tasting vanilla icing but it is usually by those who mix their evening snack with their nightly medications.
By law we must also disclose under penalty of perjury that we received another complaint from a woman cyclist who mountain bikes, runs & swims. She “loosely” claimed to be in her “30’s” (Red Flag! The “Vague Wave!) & also claimed her vanilla icing was not up to Nabisco (R) standards from her youth, many moons ago. Our “White Fluff” team of fraud investigators were dispatched to Southern California & uncovered something very interesting! The said cyclist failed to mention she had shot her taste buds to high heaven by partaking in a dozen Sprinkles (R) Cupcakes for her “30 SOMETHING” birthday bash just days before!
So, assuming you received the SENIOR version of the Birthday Oreo(R) all would be explained & we would in fact owe the fine workers over at Tootsie Roll Industries a rather huge apology. In fact, that’s my next letter after a cookie or two on my lunch break. (We get the broken ones for free!)
On a personal note, Birthday Girl, I would be remiss if I failed to suggest a SURE solution to your complaint. ADD ICE TO YOUR MILK! AKA – “MOO JUICE ON THE ROCKS!”
Sincerely,
Team Nabisco(R)
This is indeed a very depressing development. What is happening to the world in which we live. I blame the Chinese. Did you notice anywhere on the package “Made in China”? I would bet money it’s on there somewhere. Well, hopefully your birthday wasn’t totally spoiled….I’d skip the Oreo’s and go for Mother’s pink and while animal cookies…..
Hilary, Hilary, Hilary! Sure have missed your posts… So glad you’re back! And littledog-what can I say, I have a ‘thing’ for you. Glad you’re back too!